This is not a “poor me” blog post, nor do I want any pity comments coming my way about my Lack of Confidence (Mum/Personal/Life) Skills. This is something that I am writing for one of my sons, for my husband, for my family and for me.
*was even thinking about closing the comments on this one because I want this to be a reflection post – not a judgement post *
I have no confidence as a women. Never have, never well. Not sure why – not even sure when it started. Do know that I am working on it and its a work in progress every day. It’s not even an image issue – I have a body that shows I have had five boys and that’s life. Not something I am looking at as being something that I should be ashamed of or proud of. Yes I have a round tummy and I am no longer a size 10-12. But that’s ok because I am happy with how my inner health is heading into the right direction.
Not Sure When My Lack of Confidence Started
I am a person pleaser. I try to make sure everyone around me is happy, and that sometimes means I don’t stay true to what I believe in or what I am thinking. Dont worry it’s not your fault – its mine! So if we are ever to met, or we have met, you don’t have to second guess what I am saying. Because like I said I am trying to be more straight to the point with what I am thinking/saying. Without hurting anyone in the process.
I get so cut up when I do say something or do something that hurt others – I don’t like to make others upset. Yet sometimes because of the lack of my confidence I do.
So when did my lack of confidence start? No idea – I remember when I first got engaged to David and he took me around to met his Parents. I would say “Sorry” all of the time – even when there was nothing to say sorry for!
Finding My Way :: Source
Then I lost my self in Parenting. I too lost a lot of confidence with that. And still struggle with parenting in a way that I feel comfortable with. I am not good or natural with parenting five active boys, and I have to work hard every single day to be a Mum that our boys can one day say Thanks to.
Wish there was a manual that was handed out when they are born – with instructions on whatever situation arises on how to best handle it!
Yet that’s not possible – can you image how big that manual would be?
What Are We Teaching Our Kids?
I was not taught to have no confidence so it’s not something that can be explained, or someone to blame. It’s not that I was told every day “You are not a good person” because I know that I was loved by my family.
Yet what are we taught through school, through friends, through media and through Life? We are not taught to love ourselves……its a bit weird to go around and say “I Love Myself” yet why don’t we?
We teach our boys that they are important to our family – so I am hoping that they go out in this world and feel they can do what ever they want! Yet do I say to them how much they mean to me? How much I love them? Probably not enough.
Something Happened.
In the last few months something has happened within me, and within my marriage. And its a good thing. I have been doing a LOT of soul-searching, a lot of DEEP thinking – far too much deep thinking. I think the time has been good. I have had too much time on my hands where I am all by myself and I have a lot of thoughts going over and over. Its been good to look back on what I have done as a Mum/Parent/Person and realise what I want to change. Its been good for my marriage.
David and I are closer more we than ever before. Funny enough I can actually see our marriage lasting longer than I used to think it would. I can see how happy we can be.
And I want to hold onto that happiness. Cause I think our family is worth it. I think I am worth it.
No longer will I think about what others think of me. NO longer will I take on other peoples thoughts.
Really its none of my business what others are saying, so from now on its not my business if they are talking about me. I am trying to keep this saying close to my heart…….
“Its None of My Business What Others Think of Me”
Words Said to Me
We have met a wonderful lady in the Caravan Park, who our kids have turned to for almost like a “Second Grandma” – she tells them the most amazing stories! Yet she is straight to the point.
She let me know that I am a “Very Volatile Person” and that is why my kids are very Volatile. It was really a huge slap in my face, and I was in denial for days. I even talked about it out loud to hubby because she said David was also very Volatile. She picks up vibes from people and she lets them know that she “Feels” from that person.
So I stayed away from her for about a week while I went over and over what I had said/did to let her feel those thoughts! After all I havent said much to her besides a few words in conversations, so why did she think I was a very Volatile Person?
Yet she is so very right. We are a very Volatile Family. But that is what makes us who we are! That is what makes me want to change as a Person within, and without. And I want change in our family. Have done for a very long time – other wise I wouldn’t be on this quest for a “New Life on the Road”
I also want to have the balls to say “Yep I Am a Mum To Five Wonderful Boys, and I Survived Living Happily“
You Are Worthy of Being Loved :: Image Source
I want to go about life with the Confidence of someone who believes in themself! I want inner happiness instead of second guessing who I am. So I am not setting out and about to please anyone anymore. I am not going to put my needs on hold. Guess you could say I am now being selfish. But I am doing it for my happiness, for my families happiness. It’s important that I look at what I am capable of doing and set out each day with achieving my small goals. They are not big goals, but they are important to me.
Lack Of Confidence Within :: to Happiness
I am hoping to turn my lack of confidence skills around so that I find true happiness. Cutting back from all of my online blogging, and even dropping some of my blogs has set me free. Cutting back from saying “Yes” to work that I was doing around the Caravan Park has set me free. I feel years lighter and I am able to focus on being there for my family, there for me.
I am hoping that my boys will see how to be a confident person so that they can be true to themself. After all trying to please everyone will mean that no one will ever be happy!
And really life is far too short to sweat the small stuff.
Something David Said
The other day David said something that made me stop. Yet he has said it many times – and I have said it many times to him
“I Love You heaps”
I normally shrug it off. I normally don’t listen. I normally don’t feel the love.
That day I listened and felt the love. Could actually feel the love coming from him. Could feel his love surround me. Made my day, and made me feel good. Looking forward to more of those moments/days! More of the good times, and forgetting the way I used to be.
Forget about the mistakes I have made and grow stronger within every day. That is my life goal – inner happiness.
Do Us Women Get Taught Not To Love Ourself?
Do we get taught to put everyone needs before our own? Or because we are women we pick up on it naturally?
Cheer
Lisa
New Life on the Road
Great Post Lisa. We all have an inner journey, it is what makes us human. I sometimes have to remind myself to enjoy it.
jan recently posted..A Palace and a Citadel on a hill …
Thanks Jan – think that I need to remember your saying 🙂
When I was doing my Masters in Social Ecology there was this one lecture I’ll never forget. The professor spoke about the roles we play in life. We’re mothers, daughters, wives & girlfriends, grand daughters,nieces, managers, subordinates, peers, friend, so on and so on….
So who are we when we have 5 minutes to ourselves, when we are alone and not playing these roles?
I’ve thought about this question on and off for the 6 or 7 years and my answer today is: I AM ME. I am all of the above and more and at the same time none of the above. I am a beautiful complex creature 🙂
Angel recently posted..How to build a privacy screen
I really Like that – working out who you are and knowing that you are a beautiful complex creature! So good to hear that another Mum plays many roles and is happy 🙂
Hi Lisa,
Congratulations on your choice to value your happiness! I am trained in the teachings of Louise Hay who has created many beautiful meditations and stories about healing ourselves and living our best lives – perhaps you would find value in them?
Cheers, Tracey
Hi Tracey,
Thanking you so much for your great connection! I would love to know more about your teachings of Louise Hay (heard so many wonderful things about Louise!)
Could you please let me know more 🙂
Cheers
Lisa