I thought that I would be ok. But I am not….I am never going to get used to saying Goodbye. I don’t care what any one tells me…this is hard. It hurts and I hate it! When Will It Get Any Easier?
When Does Saying Goodbye Get Easier?
So we have said goodbye a few times to our older son. But it still feels like yesterday that he was here, and still living with us. Yesterday was a hard day for me. Not for any reason – I just felt like I was really missing something. Anything. Then I would look at my photos that I have next to my bed and I would start to remember when it was taken.
The Photo is of my five boys together. Hayden is on the left side, then Nic is holding Kyle, Cameron is sitting next to Zachery – Zach is cuddlying Cameron. They are all sittting together close. It was about 5 1/2 years ago so they are all very small in the photo. Its my favorite of my boys – something that I treasure.
I have actually fallen asleep with the photo in my hands one time! I was looking at their faces, and noticing all of their changes when I drifted off to sleep. (will try and work out how to get the photo from the frame and onto this blog post!)
The Frame I was talking about ~
Our older son, Nicholas, Kyle, Cameron and Zachery
I thought saying goodbye to him in Melbourne would be easy. But I was crying once again. I was really embrassed because my two brothers were with me. They dropped Zachery and I off to the airport so that I could spend more time with our older son.
Our two older boys – happy together
I gave him the biggest hug but it wasnt enough. I wanted to hold on tight, but our older son is not into giving hugs (especially when others are looking!) He also is much taller then me, so it kinda makes it hard to give a hug like I used to be able to hold him. Gosh its hard to imagine that he used to lay on my chest to go to sleep when he was a baby 🙂
The thing that I am finding hard is not knowing when we will see him again? He is in Melbourne for his tafe training, then he will be moved on for his first posting when he has finished his course. He has asked to be in three different states, but really its up to the Defence Force where he goes. All I wish for is for him to be safe.
Finding My Ok With His Career
I am finding that I am OK with his career choice. Its actually the best thing that has ever happened for him. But its not the easiest to get used to. I know that he could be posted in dangerous areas, and its not guaranteed that he will be ok, but I still have a deep feeling within that he will be fine. Not sure why or how – just feel ok with his career.
Its Not Knowing
Its the not knowing of where we are going to be next month, and not knowing where he is going to be that makes it harder for me. I feel so selfish for wanting him close by, then I feel so guilty for him leaving home so early. I feel so much…..happy for him, sad that he left home at such a young age, then happy again because he is happy!
I even say that he is 17 1/2 years old, as if that 1/2 year makes a difference! Big deal. He should still be at home. But then again some kids leave home even early? (dont they?)
See What I Mean?
See how I am in two minds? Yep its crazy but then sometimes I reckon I am crazy.
Looking back on his childhood I see so much wasted time. Worry about little stuff. Stuff that no longer matters. Why couldn’t I spend more time caring about making memories? At least I can create a New Life for my other boys. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and do my life differently!
Our family of five boys ~
Love it when they are together!
Please don’t feel sorry for me writing all this….I need to release what I am feeling. This is not meant to hurt anyone, nor do I mean to direct this to anyone….its something that I need to say out loud. Sorting through my days of getting used to our older son now being a part of another family. The Defence Force Family.
I love it when he rings home, yet its hard to have a conversation. There is so much going on in the bus while he is talking, and I try hard to stay positive while I am speaking! Its not the same as seeing him face to face.
Yet he has his own life. Someone said to me recently “Stop telling him what to do, the apron strings have been long gone – they are cut and he is now a big boy”. But what if I feel like he is still my baby? Why can’t we still be connected?
Funny how when they are little, and they have rough nights where they don’t want to sleep…and we wish for them to grow up! I just wished we had more time with him.
I wish for a lot of things to be different.
Thats Life!
Please – When Will it get any easier to say Goodbye to our older son, while he is in another state?
He is now gone from the nest, the home (motorhome) but he is still part of my life/my family! We will always be a family of seven in my eyes…I still get out 7 Forks and 7 Knives for dinner each night!
Let this be my lesson in life – and treasure my other boys more.
Cheers
Lisa
Remember it’s not “goodbye”, but in fact a ” I will see you later”. When I see you later you will share your stories, when I see you later I will see your growth, when I see you later how happy I will be. Because when I see you later it will remind me how hard it is to be a mother, but most of all how happy it makes me to be one!
Hi Sheree,
That is gorgeous! I love it….I am going to print this one out, and keep close to my bed. I need to re-read to help me remember that its not “Goodbye”!!
Cheers
Lisa
what lovely words, I have been thinking about when I will have to leave my own mother who is aging quickly. We had our children late so I have some time before going through this emotional turmoil. How lucky are these boys to be loved so much.
ciao lisa
lisa chiodo | renovating italy recently posted..An unstamped passport – dreams don’t always come true.
Hi Lisa,
Hold you babies tight – and give them an extra hug from me! They grow up so quickly 🙂
Cheers
Lisa
Awwww…Lisa…how sweet!!! It’s so sad that you can’t hang on to them forever!!!! My oldest escaped from us when he was 14 1/2 and it was really hard for a long time. All is well these days – he survived and so did we – and now he’s nearly 19!!! He isn’t travelling with us this year but we keep in touch by Facebook (when he feels like it!!). We have a saying in our house that the oldest was the guinea pig – we were practicing on him!!! It takes the heaviness out of some of our time together. And I always steal a hug or a kiss on the cheek in private so he doesn’t freak out!!!
Tracey – Life Changing Year recently posted..Day 3/Part 2 – Royal Selangor Pewter Visitor Centre
Hi Tracey,
I so would love to hang onto them forever!
Too funny about your saying “oldest was the guinea pig” – we say that all of the time…we made so many mistakes with our olderst son, and our baby of the family gets it so easy! I reckon our oldest was our practice run, and our youngest was a breeze!
Cheers
Lisa
I know how you feel. My son just left home at 21 AND he lives in the same town as me, and I feel sad when he leaves. It is irrational, but then, who is rational. If I were you I would feel exactly the same way. lol
jan recently posted..MORE HANOI HIGHLIGHTS
Hi Jan,
Oh I would love to have my oldest in the same town 🙂
And staying at home till he was 21!
Cheers
Lisa
I am about to go through exactly the same thing with my son leaving to go to uni. I am not sure how I will go but I know we will all miss him terribly. I also think about when they were little and wanting them to grow up and be a little more independent but now will give anything to have them back small again. It is a good lesson for us to appreciate our children more and listen and spend time with them before they no longer want to spend time with us.
Jackie Stenhouse recently posted..Cupcake Wraps
Hi Jackie,
So very true…I guess we dont realise what we have till its gone (that kinda thing!) I sure am making more memories with my other boys – rather than worrying about the smaller stuff in life!
Cheers
Lisa
Lisa what a beautiful mother you are to your children. Imagine some kids never get to know that depth of love. I can’t imagine how hard it is to let them fly, I know my own Mum never let me know how much she missed me when I took off for Europe in my 20’s, I was gone three years. Saying goodbye no matter how we frame it doesn’t get easier.
lisa x
lisa chiodo | renovating italy recently posted..An unstamped passport – dreams don’t always come true.
Hi Lisa,
Thanking you so much for your support. I sure don’t feel like a good Mum!! I feel like I have let my oldest boy down – but he is happy. Gosh your Mum must have missed you so much – she is one strong lady (to let you go overseas and not let you know how much she missed you!)
I am getting better at trying to be more positive for my son!
Cheers
Lisa